Well… We’ve officially been confined to the far left cubicle for over a week now and my youngest has finally achieved his original goal of consuming 50% of his bottle, which was the condition in order for him to go home, even with an NG tube. Unfortunately, this very morning the consultant has since decided otherwise because they believe I won’t cope with the tube…I’ve been coping with the tube for the last week. I’m devastated, I’m upset I’ve been misjudged and can’t be trusted with my own son’s health and I’m distraught that I clearly have at least another week here, whilst our family remains ripped apart.
My eldest came for a visit today and I had to carry him into a taxi, whilst he cried he wanted to stay with us. It’s heartbreaking how much this is affecting our family. Granted things could be so much worse, but here we are, all separated, my eldest with his dad, my partner at home and my youngest and myself in hospital, whilst I am constantly told by health professional after health professional “he’ll take off in the next couple of days”, I fucking hate that sentence.
I am frustrated, I am angry and I am missing home and everyone who comes with it. I’m annoyed how this hospital destroys every bit of hope and optimism I have and replaces it with despair.
I feel like a failure as a mother, that obviously there must be something I’m doing wrong and I resent how my body decided to reject my son before he was even ready for life outside.
Yes, there are people worse of, but it just doesn’t make me feel any better. I know I should be grateful nothing worse happened and I am, I honestly am, but how can I not feel negatively when I am forced to watch family after family take home their newborns on a daily basis? It crushes me.
I isolate myself, because frankly I don’t want to associate with them, other mothers with healthier children just using this place as a pit stop, I resent them, I’m jealous and frankly I don’t want to wave them off wishing them the best of fucking luck. I’m literally the only person here who has stayed here for the entire week so far and the amount of mothers I have seen come and go each day does make me feel more and more bitter, when yet another family is happily discharged.
Unfortunately I have nothing positive to end this on, but it’s an experience I am sharing, I am sharing my frustration with any mother who has ever been through this, because frankly you’re the only ones who could ever understand.
I am also exceptionally bored as well as overwhelmed, just another perk of hospital confinement.